A Day In The Life Of A Cat

Depression: a psychoneurotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies

I've thought long and hard about this post, and I guess it's finally time I put it out there.

I'm suffering from a pretty bad case of depression.

Have been for a long time, but it has become worse over the last 6 months. And I've felt guilty about it. I could hear people saying "what do you have to be depressed about?"

I have a job and a husband and a place to live...so I have no right to be depressed, right? That's what I think people will say. I kind of buy into it myself. I do have those things, so why can't I just shake this and be happy? I don't know why I can't. I see people with a lot less than me, people who struggle with health issues, who have no family or support, and yet they find joy in life. But I don't. I feel selfish and ashamed next to those people. Sometimes (a lot of times) I just put on a happy face and suppress my depression and do things I have to do....but it's getting harder and harder to do that.

I feel a pressure on me to just snap out of it and get on with being happy. Just snap out of it...just do it. I wish I could. I really do. I don't want to be this way. It sucks. And I feel bad for Greg....I know it has to suck being around me....so I feel bad about that, too. He shouldn't have to deal with this. It's a vicious circle of feelings.

Why do I bother going on like this
There is no meaning anymore
Day by day, week by week
It all blends into one
I have no idea what's going on
Every day I stumble on
Not knowing where I'm headed
The same faces same places
It all blends into one
I have no idea what's going on
I have no idea why I'm so fucked up

--Judith Eyre